Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Ass Clowns are everywhere!

"You're charging me for an exam?! I just wanted someone to look at my dog and tell me what is wrong with it!"
"That's what an exam is, sir"
"I can't believe you'd charge me for it. I'm going somewhere else!"

"I talked to you last night at 9 o'clock and made the appointment for surgery. Don't you remember anything?"
  Yes, I know where I was at nine last night, and it wasn't here. We were closed for several hours by then.

"I can't believe you charge XX amount for (pick a service or product)! Doctor Y (or the local pet store) only charges (something way cheaper and mathematically impossible)" (these phone calls are invariably long while the caller tries to negotiate).
"So you won't be making an appointment with us then. Have a nice day."

"My dog is old and crippled and I have a hard time getting her in the car. But the law says she has to have a rabies shot."
"Doctor will be happy to give your dog the shot in the car so you don't have to bring her in"
"But you don't get it, I can't get her in the car"
"Doctor can make a house call for the cost of $X plus the cost of the rabies shot"
" I'd rather just pay the penalties for not licensing the dog than pay that!"
Okay, your choice.
"The guy at city hall said I just had to show the piece of paper, that I don't have to have the shot put in the dog"
Sure, he did. I knew what she was getting at in the beginning of this long phone call, I just wasn't going to make it easy for her.
" So why can't I just pay for the rabies shot and you give me the certificate without the vet putting the shot in my dog?"
"Ma'am, that's illegal, and we don't do that."

"I was in there a couple of years ago and I got my dog a rabies shot. I was only given a certificate for one year"
"You stated that it was your dog's first rabies shot and by law, the first rabies shot is only good for one year no matter what the age of the dog is. After the first shot, the rabies certificates are good for 3 years."
" I was wrong, it wasn't my dog's first rabies shot. Can I get a 3 year certificate for my dog?"
"I'm sorry, you can't. It could have been fixed had you noticed the error within a few days, but not a few years later.  "

A young couple bring in their dog, who has the worst case of hives I've ever seen. There were hives on top of hives and the dog was so swollen you couldn't recognize what breed it was. They were horribly infected. This required a lot of treatment, a bunch of medicines to go home and a large vet bill. The woman calls me a couple of days later. The hives are better, and now she's rethinking the cost of treatment:
"I read on the internet that the kind of antibiotics you sent home with us can kill my dog, there are thousands of dogs dying from this kind of antibiotic"
"Ma'am, that antibiotic is the most commonly prescribed antibiotic in the country. As we speak there are several million animals and even more babies and toddlers safely taking this antibiotic. We'll be happy to recheck the dog and prescribe something different for the infection."
"Well to hell with you then!"

" I had my cat there 10 years ago and now he has the same symptoms. Can I just come get the medicine"
"I'm sorry ma'am, we can't prescribe medicine to patients we haven't seen in over a year. Can I make you an appointment so we can see your cat?"
"It's my cat and I know what's wrong with it, I just need the medicine! You're just out to make money off me!"
You obviously haven't been in our ghetto-ass office in awhile then. 

We quote spay and neuter prices over the phone, with the caveat that the prices may vary depending on certain conditions. When the pet comes in for surgery we weigh the pet in front of the client, then assess the pet, and give the actual cost of the surgery. 
 "This is way more than I was quoted over the phone!"
"You didn't tell us your dog only had one testicle"
"You didn't tell us your cat is pregnant"
"You told us your pet's shot were current and it hasn't been vaccinated in many years"
"You told us on the phone that your dog was only 40 pounds and as you can see she's over 100 lbs AND morbidly obese, so it's going to be a much longer and more complicated surgery"

"It smells like dog in here!"
It's a vet's office, imagine that!

"That woman's dog just took a shit on the floor! It stinks."
And yes, we are a vet's office. Animals come in here. They shit. Shit stinks. Are you new?     

 " My wife's in the hospital and I'd like to buy her some flowers. I don't have any money. Can you give me some money?"
I'm a middle aged woman in a minimum wage job. Does it look like I have any fucking money? 

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